i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
