I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
