captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
