He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
