My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
