I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish i was in the wii world.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
