Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
