I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
