I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
