I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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