I want to make a zoo with you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
