I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
