Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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