Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
