I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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