I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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