this beer tastes like vomit already
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
