i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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