Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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