you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
