I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
