i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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