I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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