I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
