I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
