I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
