5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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