We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
