I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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