when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The air was thick with penises
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
