how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I smell stomach acid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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