So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
