Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
