oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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