...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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