Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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