You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
