Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
