I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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