Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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