And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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