Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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