Umm I'm too high to move.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she pinky promised me she was 18
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
