The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
