So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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