I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
