that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
