You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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