Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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