I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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