Just cropdusted the office
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
