I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
