a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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