boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
