You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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