mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
