Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
