I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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