My sheets look like a crime scene.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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