His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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