Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
