My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
