Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
