I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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