Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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