Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
two words: eviction party
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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