I look better un-naked...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
